blogs

no matter what time of day it is or what or when i have already eaten, the first thing i always want to type here is that i'm starving. i think it's best when blogs are abt immediate experience. but i don't think anyone wants to hear abt how hungry i am all the time. occasionally i think abt something that i wld like to own, like a blown glass chandelier, but i don't think you all want to hear abt that either. i'm working with a lot of limitations here, people, and it's all your fault! i wish i had a digital camera, like some of my friends with blogs have, so i cld take pictures and write about them. and i will have one soon. if i already had one i wld have taken a picture of myself last night whining. when my body is raging with hormones every month there are always a few hours which find me fake crying and pulling at my hair. not even from any pain. just too much emotion. maybe you didnt want to know that. sorry.

the new scary me

BTW i'm not really as full of myself as i sound. i'm not apologizing for my smug tone, because i think that it might actually be kind of funny; i am simply stating a fact. i tend to exaggerate my self esteem because most women like me--actually i am a fictional character--tend to downplay their assets. i have always tried to act like the exact opposite of what i am supposed to act like and tend to try on different personalities like outfits. i change every few years or so. it may be time for me to experiment with humility. naah. boring. hmm. what next? how 'bout scary?

my corpus callosum

speaking of brains, i have to qualify the exact nature of my genius. why? because i qualify everything. that is part of my genius. i am not particularly left-brained, but i'm not mathmatically inept either, as i have touched on before in this blog; neither am i particularly right-brained, all emotional and intuitive. what is pronounced in my brain, i think, is my corpus callosum. i think that it's colossal.

the corpus callosum is the anatomical structure that connects the left and right hemispheres of the brain. the left side of the brain is widely understood to deal with logic, math, music and language. the right side of the brain is the more emotional side. studies have shown that the corpora callosa of women and gay men are in general larger than those of straight men. which would explain the increased ability of women and gay men to talk about their feelings over the ability of straight men to do so; there is more traffic between the two hemispheres.

i think that there is even more traffic in mine than in most women's or straight men's. that would explain my early interest in novels. and why i want to write one. one that particularly focusses on discussing emotions in minute detail, too. but what came first, you may, or, more likely, may not, ask, the chicken or the egg? now i could go on and on about this for pages, but i have discovered that i tend not to read other people's blog entries that are too long.

why?

well, the subjects of our reality show came to the office to say hi to everyone. i said hi but then scurried back to my little hole. it was too surreal seeing them as real people. or something. i mean, they were actually really nice.

i think it's really that i can't socialize with the people in my office. i think that's it. i have a very hard time having conversations in which people arent saying exactly what they mean, which they often don't in an office setting. i think it's because i'm mildly autistic. autistic people have a hard time interpreting facial expressions and tone of voice. i'm always asking, "are you being sarcastic?" and of course the person i'm speaking to, if they are being sarcastic, is going to continue to be sarcastic and say no theyre not when they really are, and, you know what, i think i'll just go post on my blog.

in fact, i don't really think there's anything wrong with me at all. i think that most people just don't have anything worth saying and just talk a lot of crap all the time and i just can't stand it. the crap. on vacation with my parents recently, my dad responding to my constant impatience, with him and everyone else, said, "youre going to be surrounded by incompetence your entire life, you might as well calm down and start getting used to it." to which i replied (in my head weeks later) "if you had had my iq tested as a child and informed me that i was a genius then, i might not have had to struggle so hard my whole life to make sense of the world."

damn

the reason i didnt post yesterday, even though it was a weekday, is, to tell the truth, because i spent like 3 hours researching how to take my dog to the country this weekend. so she can roll in some motherfucking grass. i have half a mind to turn this blog into a wonderful-weekends-for-your-new-york-city-dog site. because there is a dire need for one out there! hey! if there are any b and b owners reading this: dont bother listing your b and b online unless there are pictures! and please mention whether you allow dogs on your site, if youre going to bother having a site! damn! i am damn near blind today!

not only that, but since amtrak doesnt allow dogs and my boyfriend doesnt drive, i have to drive. i hate driving. the entire time i'm driving i am thinking about the fact that i could kill a whole bunch of people if i screwed up. and i'm crying. audibly. the entire time. but mimi, my dog, loves grass. and she *never* gets to go on any in the city. it breaks my heart when we pull over at the first rest stop and she leaps onto a median sporting a few blades of crabgrass and proceeds to maniacally roll around on them. my life: full of pain. jesus, listen to me.

but in order to do a doggy travel site i would have to have a digital camera. the more i think about it, there is just no way i can go a minute longer without a digital camera.

if anyone has any advice about dog-friendly lodging not more than 3 hours from new york i would love to hear it.

geeking out

look at me editing the html in my template! i have never even dealt with code before! i don't even know for sure whether html *is* code.

i have always admired left-brained people. i wish i were more left-brained. but not to the extent it would reduce my already minimal social skills. the sexiest sex object to me has always been the librarian-who-is-really-a-sex-kitten-type. but if the libriarian were a computer programmer, he'd be even hotter!



if princess leia in her metal bikini was the advent of sexuality for most men my age, then clark kent removing his glasses in superman 1 was my own personal onanistic gangplank.

my job

i am a reality television editor. do you realize what this means?! among other things, it means that i spend all day deciding what is boring and what is significant and what is funny. you'd think this would make me an expert. it would if i weren't one already.

e.g., boring: insanity, significant: my own feelings, funny: people racking themselves on america's funniest home videos.

i have taken to editing my life.

pleasure

i am not able to post from home with my antiquated set up. and was not able therefore to post over the weekend. i really do plan to post every day, though, when i get my new compy.

out dining with friends last night, i accused my boyfriend of being a hedonist. jokingly of course, as i think of him as more of a practitioner of tantric yoga. well, he informed me for the first time that he was in fact an epicurean. so i was going to post today about what all of that meant, and what i thought about all that, but then realized i didnt know enough about any of those things to say anything very good about them. and then i decided that i should post anyway and just say this. what i'm saying. because that's what a blog is for anyway. anyway that's what i think it should be for. you can just go look up all that stuff yourselves, if you want, my legions of readers.

new favorite word: fraught

work

where did the day go? that's what happens when you actually have to work at work. i am editing a tv show. and it requires constant...uh...work. i used to read books. i liked it when i read books. now i'm lucky if i keep up a little with current events, like the pope dying. and i don't have time to read when i get home because i have to bathe and have sex. and, yes, in that order.

i think that the quality of my writing--i am writing a novel--is deteriorating now that i no longer read. specifically, david foster wallace. the best passages in my novel are the ones in which i am trying to live up to him.

p.s. i don't care that it's not original to like him.

35

i'm 35 today. so far i am loving getting older. i like having control of my own life. i like having figured out what i require from other people, my job, my everyday life. i seem to have succeeded somewhat in arranging everything the way i like it. i am assuming that this trend will continue as i get even older. but i also know that at some point my body is going to start getting on my nerves. and then it's going to start hurting. and then i am going to lose control of it. and it's really going to suck. and then i'm going to die. if i don't die sooner. anyways. just between you and me, what's really awesome about being 35 for me is that i look really young for my age but i feel a lot better than i did when i was in my twenties, which is how old i look like i am, which i will admit if pressed.

reticence

i am hesistant to announce this blog to anyone because then i will feel pressure to update it frequently. i am beginning to suspect however that i will update it frequently regardless.

speaking of hesitance, i hereby advocate that we reserve, and also really preserve, the word "reticent" for verbal hesitance, and not use it for general hesitance. we already have the word "hesitance", and also the word "hesitancy", which means the same thing, so why don't we keep "reticence" as specific as it is?

i am being reticent about this blog. (see how handy that was?)

bob

the daffodils are blooming in front of my building, and it's gorgeous out, so i officially here declare it Spring. my super, bob, who just died last month, planted them. he was like 95, or something ridiculous like that. he was very cool and had lived in the east village for like 70 years. he planted rose bushes and fruit bearing trees all over our block and watered everything all summer. he used to wear a windbreaker with a piece of duct tape over the dartmouth logo that was on it, but it was like 20 years old, so the duct tape was hanging half off, and that's how you could tell it was a dartmouth logo under there: the coolest piece of attire i can imagine. anyway, all spring all his plants will start to flower one by one and recall him to me.

i am going to try to find the time to do the watering this summer. and plus i have to get a hose and ask someone on the ground floor if i can attach it to their sink and snake it out the window. and stand there for like at least fifteen minutes per tree.

post number one

all right. i don't want to hear about how long it's taken me to make a blog. start a blog. whatever. here it is; read it, don't read it.

2. internet explorer does not let you download mozilla! that is the reason it has taken me so long to get blogging. those of you who are not mac people, you will not understand what i am talking about here in number two, so you can just skip on to number three. microsoft is evil, and this blog will probably destruct in T minus 33 minutes. and that's enough computer talk for now.

3. i have just now discovered why blogs tend to consist of banal complaints.