poor me

i was shopping for a dress the other day; okay, i shop for dresses practically every day. i put the dress up against me and looked in the mirror, trying to determine how much cleavage the thing would show because most dresses available these days show cleavage and i don't want mine to show. it's becoming more and more difficult to find a dress that doesn't make you look like a prostitute. that's why i have to shop every day. the shop lady comes up to me and says, "don't worry, it looks much sexier on."

it is disturbing that nowadays one can safely assume that a young lady would prefer to look sexy, n'est ce pas?

anyway, i can't help it. i look sexy no matter what i'm wearing. poor me.

yikes

i'm reading a book that has a lot in common with my as yet unfinished novel. disturbingly so. but it's fluffier and it's decidedly chick lit because it's about finding happiness through finding the right guy. my book is not chick lit, for one, because there is no guy; it's about friendship.

these are the things sarah dunn's first novel, *the big love*, and mine have in common:

1. a quick-witted character named "olivia"
2. an annoying friend named "nina"
3. it breaks the fourth wall by addressing the reader directly
4. the first person main character is obssessed with morality
5. probably more stuff that i'm just forgetting right now, and also i'm not even done with the book.

i dislike the narrator and suspect that my voice is just as lightweight and whiney as hers. she thinks she's so clever. and so do i. think i'm clever, not her. even though i actually think a lot of her jokes are funny.

hygiene

went to the dentist this morning. look, if anyone should work for tips, it should be dental hygienists, right? who cares if your manicurist pays extra special attention; it doesn't mean excruciating pain if not. i mean, this lady would have gotten 10 percent based on a 20 percent average tip. anyway it's over now.

beauty not so secrets anymore

1. wash your face every morning. every single morning. then moisturize. something with sunblock in it. do it.
2. keep your nails super short and polish-free if you dont have time to keep them perfectly filed and painted.
3. if you're going to splurge, splurge on a great haircut. and be brutal; if you don't like the cut, use someone else next time. the only reason she's being nice to you is cuz of the money; she doesn't actually like you. in ten years i haven't had my hair cut by the same person twice. i'm a third wave hair slut.
4. wear comfortable shoes. hobbling along in stilettos is simply hideous.
5. dress appropriately for the weather. the swedish have a saying: there is no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothes. shivering and sweating unnecessarily makes you look like a stupid idiot. cotton sundresses in the summer, cashmere in the winter.
6. instead of spending hours going for that just-fell-out-of-bed look, just don't spend that much time on your looks. read a book. it's going to make you more attractive than anything you could do with a hair dryer or eyebrow comb.
7. be happy.
8. sleep well. take care of business and be good to people so you don't stay up worrying at night.
9. eat as many raw fruits and vegetables as you can and drink lots of water.
10. don't smoke cigarettes.

now you know.

back in town

got back from vacationing on sunday. oddly i still feel relaxed and sane. usually such peace of mind dissipates altogether on the drive back into the city. perhaps this persistence of calm is due to a recent subconscious spiritual accomplishment rather than to the fact that we took the taconic and saw mill rather than the tappan zee and cross bronx expressway. sunlight through leaves above is the most soothing sight to me. we went to the catskills and adirondacks. sunshine on a lawn. aahh. no jackhammers to be heard. wading in mountain streams. my dog's permagrin. sleeping in every day for a week. i'm already planning my next trip.

it's weird though. this is the first time i didnt fantasize the whole time about living up there permanently. people were way too excited to talk to us. they were bored. i don't want to be bored. what is it about the city that keeps me from being bored? is it anything? maybe i wouldnt be bored. i havent been bored since i was in high school. i think i'd read a lot.

now

*now* can we impeach?!

weird taste in boyfriends

my boyfriend, home for lunch, just said "yo, gurt, what up?" to his yogurt, and reported back that his yogurt said in reply, "keepin' it real, son."

vacay

i have been spending money like a mofo. what do mofos spend money on anyway? what does one need in order to fuck one's mother? if youre a girl, maybe a dildo? or maybe mofos buy impractical things just for fun, like wind-up nun dolls and crystal paperweights. oh wait. paperweights have a function. i guess.

anyways. i bought running shoes, which i have run in exactly once in the two weeks ive had them. a new phone, because i got something in the mail that said i could have a free one, but when i got to the store i didnt like the free one, so i got the one that cost me fifty bucks, even though my old one is perfectly fine. new glasses and contacts--i did need them--my prescription was three years old--everything looks like it's been washed. books for my nieces. lots of fancy dinners cuz i'm into fancy dinners lately, and not having to do the dishes. travel books and map for our trip upstate next week. i so deserve a week in the woods, y'all!

is my frat boy vocab annoying as hell yet?